Great is Your faithfulness!

As I was laying on the table in radiology waiting for a spinal tap, after the first failed attempt in the ER, I was overcome with emotion.  Jesus loves me.  He protected me.  He saved me from myself yet again.

 The last 4 months have been one thing after another.  I was put on bed rest at the end of my pregnancy for high blood pressure.  My back hurt so badly I kept saying to myself, “Just get through this. Once the baby gets here it will get better.” Eddie was born and we were thrilled to see his sweet face!  He was healthy and in our estimation perfect!  The last day of my hospital stay I started feeling short of breath and sick.  Two days later I was back in the hospital with pregnancy induced heart failure.   It was quite a scare. I had a mild case of it and within a month was off all of my medicines.  Unfortunately, the back pain never let up.  In fact it was getting worse.  I was quite frustrated with the medical bills piling up knowing I was getting to the point that I would have to now, go to another Dr. to address the back problem. Greg took me to an orthopedic Dr. and he ran tests.  I have a bulging disc.  He recommended a steroid injection with the possibility of three total, as they build on each other to give optimum relief.  Greg and I were sure one would do.  We have no insurance so it was another strain on the finances but we both felt it was worth it.  Greg was able to get the money together and I went in and got the shot.  We both were praying and hoping it would take.  It did!  Within three days I felt significantly better.  Not 100% but I was hoping it would keep improving. When the nurse called me and we talked she recommended that I get a second shot.  I told her I wanted to see how it went, and we really couldn’t afford another one right now anyway. I hung up from that conversation quite happy thinking this is it, I am on the mend! 

 That same day I got the shot we were told at Eddie’s two month appt. that he had Torticollis (tortoise-what?, it’s a neck thing, Google it)  and that we may need to take him for physical therapy and worst case he would have to have surgery.  Greg and I looked at each other and laughed weakly thinking, worst case…

About a week later I told Greg that although the shot helped me significantly, in another few months I would probably need another shot.     Unfortunately about 2-3 weeks after my shot, my pain started coming back. Bad.  I wanted another shot.  I was constantly telling Greg how bad I felt.  I really felt like I deserved to get another shot and knew that I would also need the third one shortly after that.  We talked and Greg said that if I could hold off until the end of October we would try to do it then.  I agreed but in my heart I was throwing a temper tantrum over it.

 You see, I had spent the summer like a person with their head buried in the sand.  Once in a while I would pop my head out and look around to see if it was over yet.  Was the latest trial over?  No?  Ok, back under I went, all the while asking that He increase my faith. (Yeah, don’t you want to smack my 4 month younger self? Hello! Dimwit lady!! Faith increasing opportunities passing you by get on board!) 

It was getting increasingly harder to walk and bend over.  By week five, post shot, I was back to square one.  I had constant pain. Ibuprofen helped and certainly took the edge off but I was still in pain every moment.  It woke me up at night. I was (am) having a hard time picking up Lincoln.  Carrying the baby around is almost impossible. I was angry and frustrated.  I was becoming bitter and probably not the most pleasant person to live with.

Last Friday I got a call from the office of my orthopedic doctor.  I was one of the thousands that had received a steroid shot that had been contaminated with mold.  I was scared, shaking and angry. No, I was ticked off.  Big time.  At that point five people had died, and hundreds had spinal meningitis. The nurse talked to me about symptoms to look for and after we talked she recommended that I go to the ER. I was so frustrated. The same symptoms could be chalked up to numerous things.   I called Greg; he came home and took me to the ER.  On the way there I said to him in exasperation, what I had been thinking and feeling for months, “I can’t believe this. In the last 4 months it’s just been one thing after another. What is going on?  Why is this happening?”  He said, “God has carried us through the whole way.”  He proceeded to mention every good thing that I had chosen to overlook.   It was the best response he could have given.  It softened my hardened, angry heart.

As I layed on the table in the Radiology department waiting for the Dr. to start, it hit me.  God went before me and paved the way so it would be impossible for me to receive two more of the contaminated shots. 

If things had gone the way I had planned, when I wanted, I would have gotten two more contaminated shots.

Two more chances at fungal meningitis.

In the last week I have had moments where I am overcome with thankfulness to my Abba Father.  I see my five precious sons, who love their mom and dad, who love each other, who fight and make up, and who help take care of the little ones.   I look at my wonderful husband who faithfully gets up every morning and prays to the King of Kings, reads his bible, goes to work, works hard, comes home and works some more.  He loves on his wife and kids and before bed reads his bible and prays himself to sleep.   How did this chick get so blessed?

I can’t go back and change how I acted or change the way my heart was.  I can only revel in this moment and move forward in obedience and in Christ’s love and His promises to us. 

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(He sure does! I can attest to that.)

 Isaiah 55:8

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
(This one makes me tear up every time.  Thank you Lord for not giving me what I want when I want it!!) 

 Psalm 32:7

You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.

 

I’m still in pain.  I still don’t know what we are going to do and when. 
But, I will patiently wait, pray and read His word. 

 

I want to be refined by this-  Isaiah 48:10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

 I want to persevere so I can mature-    James 1:2-4  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  (…and I want, to want, to find joy in this….ahem, I am having a hard time finding joy in it right now)

 

Most importantly I want to be more like Him-  Romans 8:28-29  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

 I have listened to this song all week.  I know it’s from Fireproof but try not to think about that when you listen.  I want to wait on the Lord’s time, not my own.  My own will only cause me grief and trouble. I always think of being put on hold while waiting.  I am not going to put my life on hold anymore.  I am going to serve Him, Love Him, Live for Him, and Worship Him, while I’m waiting. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9DTwLOxzhE

 

P.S. All the tests so far have come back negative for meningitis. One more to go but my doctor is confident that will be negative.  Eddie goes next week to the pediatrician for his four month check-up and we will see what she says. In my opinion he has significantly improved. :-0)